In the Arms of an Angel

MatchBox 20 - How do they sing me so well?

venusgirl419@aol.com — Tue, 23 Sep 2003 21:44:23 GMT

Feel
what you want, what you got
live your life in a crawl space
I'd help you out but you don't want a chance
at a better life
you said you never took a ride and now you wanna play
well it's a big big city, let me show you around sometime

oh sometime..
and now you've crossed that line,
you can't come back,
tell me how does it feel now?
it's too late, too much to forget about
can't stop now, how does it feel now?
I'm only askin because i wanna know
how you wanna feel

I'm a wreck, I'm a mess
I'm a spot on the pavement,
I'm a number on your wall,
I make your soul tired
I don't think I like this game no more
It goes around and round and round
I'll take you one more time..
yea one more time..

chorus x2

Disease
feels like you made a mistake you made somebody’s heart break
but now i have to let you go, i have to let you go

you left a stain on everyone of my good days
but i am stronger than you know
i had to let you go

no one’s ever turned you over, no one’s tried t ever let you down
beautiful girl, bless your heart
i got a disease deep inside me makes me feel uneasy
baby, i can’t live without you tell me what am i supposed to do about it?
keep your distance from me, don’t pay no attention to me..
I got a disease

feels like you’re making a mess
you're hell on wheels in a black dress
you drove me to the fire
and left me there to burn

every little thing you do is tragic
all my life before was magic
beautiful girl, i can’t breathe

i got a disease, deep inside me makes me feel uneasy
baby, i can’t live without you tell me
what am i supposed to do about it?
keep your distance from me,
don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease
oh well i think that i’m sick but leave me be
while my world is coming down on me
you taste like honey, honey
tell me, can i be your honey bee?..
Be strong, keep telling myself that it wont take long
til im free of my disease

set me free of my disease

Bright Lights
She got outta town
On a railway New York bound
Took all except my name
another alien on broadway
some things in this world you just can't change
some things you can't see until it gets too late

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone,
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world?
Maybe, maybe, maybe you'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't recieve you,
you should turn yourself around and come on home..
I got a hole in me now,
Hey I got a scar I can talk about,
She keeps a picture of me,
In her apartment in the city
Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need until they leave you
Then the things that you miss, you say

Chorus

let that city take you in (come on home)
let that city spit you out (come on home)
let that city take you down, yea
for god sakes, turn around

Chorus

Unwell
All day starin at the ceilin makin
friends with shadows on my wall
all night, hearin voices tellin me that
i should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something
hold on
feelin like im headin for a breakdown and i don't know why

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay a while and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be..

me...
talkin to myself in public
dodgin glances on the train
and i know, i know they've all been talkin bout me,
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think there
must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin, somehow
I've lost my mind

Chorus

I've been talkin in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me..
Well they're takin me away..

Chorus

Cold
I will do without
The spaces in between
If you could tell me now
What it means to be
You have been found out
I have been deceived
by the one that I need

Tell me why you gotta be so cold
How'd you get so high
While you're keepin me low?
You don't know...you don't know
Tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly, I'm ready to crash
Don't go...don't go..

You will go without
The better part of me
There will be no doubt
Of what this all could mean
You will be found out
I can not beleive
in the one that I need...

chorus x2

All I Need
Everywhere someone's gettin over
Everybody cries and sometimes
You can still lose even if you really try
talkin bout the dream
like the dream is over
talk like that won't get you nowhere
everybody's trustin in the heart
like the heart don't lie

And that's all that I need
someone else to cling to
someone i can lean on
until i don't need to
just stay all through the night and in the morning
let me down
cuz that's all that i need right now

everywhere someone's gettin over
everybody's lied to someone
people still use other people with a crooked smile
All around the world there's a sinkin feelin
Out there right now someone's really down on themselves
and don't know why
every night

chorus

Life ain't no beauty show
we don't know where tomorrow ends
and when we're sad
it's kind of drag

Hand Me Down
someday they'll find your small-town world
on a big-town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk
When they're talkin to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell
Cuz they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie
Better than the truth
They'll tell you everything
you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart

From what I've seen
you're just one more hand me down
cuz no one's tried to give you what you need
so lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody oughtta take you in
try to make you love again
try to make you like the way they feel
when they're under your skin
never once did you think that they would lie
when they're holdin you
then you wonder why they haven't called
when they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

Chorus

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When livin aint easy
you can stand up against me
and maybe rely on me
and cry on me yea
someday they'll open up your world
shake you down to the drawing board
do their best to change you
they still can't erase you..
chorus

Could I Be You
something is wrong
with the sum of us
that i can't seem to erase
how can i be
the only one
without a smile on my face?
and now

you're laughin outloud
at just the thought of bein alive
and i was wondering
could i just be you tonight?

you show your pain
like it really hurts
and i can't even
start to feel mine
and I'm standing in place
with my head first
and i shake, i shake
and i see your progress
stretched out for miles
and miles

chorus

this is the sound that i make
these are the words i chose
but sometimes the right things to say
just dont come out..just don't come out

chorus

Downfall
i wonder how you sleep
i wonder what you think of me
if i could go back
would you have ever been with me?
i want you to be uneased
i want you to remember
i want you to believe in me
i want you on my side

come on and lay it down
i've always been with you
hear and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and ill be your downfall

here we go again
ashamed of being broken in
were getting off track
i want to get you back again
i want you to trouble me
i wanted you to linger
i want you to agree with me
i want so much so bad

chorus

(only love can save us now)x2
ill be your downfall
(love save me now)

lay it down
i've always been with you
hear me now
with all that's within you
be my savior
and ill be your downfall

Soul
hang out my window
and over your head
stare at your feelings
to see where they end

you're waiting here for someone else to break you
from the inside
you've been so composed
we all know

there's always something
tearing you apart
it's always so much longer than you counted on
it hits you so much harder than you thought
but you don't worry
you don't worry
cuz you got soul

you're so heavy
you're so misunderstood
i spent all of my wishes
wishing times were good
when i still could
wait around here for someone else to take you
past the good side
you've been here so long

Chorus x2

You're So Real
yes i am
i hope you think you read me
hope i start talkin crazy
before you understand me
are we through?
you think that i'm beneath you
but you like the things that i do
wrap em up and take em with you

I'm alright
hope i can sleep for one night
if not to cool my insides
maybe to calm my backside
rain on me
i got a weakness in me
i think that weakness feeds me
i don't think you think you need me
sunshine
you're the best time
i've ever ever had
but i think i made you feel bad
a black fly on your necktie
time after time

but when the sun starts sinking
on your beautiful soul
make you cry, cry baby
make you feel so cold
don't you know it's alright
sometimes you just have
to show how you feel
cuz that's you baby!
you're so real

run it round in your head
like you don't know what's on the inside
you don't know me too well
you aint seen my bad side
shame on me
shame on the things that i'd be
if you could complicate me
if you could get inside me

sunshine
you're the best time
i've ever ever known
pretty girl with a wicked smile on
but i've cried
for the last time
something just don't feel right

chorus

you always know just who you are
you never needed someone else
to realize yourself

chorus

What You Need
slow dancing on the boulevard
in the quiet moments while the city is still dark

sleepwalkin through the summer rain
in the tired spaces you could hear her name

when she was young and tender
and you held her arms around you
there was nothing but her
love and affection
she was
crazy for you now she's
part of something that you lost

and for all you know
this could be
the difference between what you need
and what you wanna be

night swimming
in her diamond dress
making small circles
move across the surface

stand watching
from the steady shore
stayin wide open and waiting for
something
warm and tender now she's
moving further from you
there is nothing that could
make it easy on you
every step you take reminds you that she's walkin on

chorus

every word you never said
echoes down your empty hallway
everything that was your world
just came down

day breaking on the boulevard
feel the sun warming up your
second hand heart
light swimming right across your face
and you think
maybe someday
maybe someday

chorus

So Sad So Lonely (Hidden Track)
i found out
on a late night drive
in my winter coat
with my blood shot eyes
my faith aint been
no friend to me
and the way i sin
is hangin off of me

and im sorry
you can't take me anywhere
pretty soon we're almost there
baby one more time
it's been a long long drive
and im way way tired
i don't need no back up plan

i don't want nobody
nobody don't want me
i'm so sad, so lonely
but im always landin on my feet

one more time
with a sad sad smile
and your white bread friends
in the circus life
all the oneway rides
the sweet beginners
passin on the left hand side
with a sideways smile

and im always
one step from stallin
bad trips can make great stories dance all night
with your ass on fire
and your hands up high
and feel me one more time

chorus

i learn to love myself
and i don't need no one else
and when a love moves on
cuz it gets cold
then another moves in
and it can fill the hole

~ Ten'ou Haruka

Another Stormy night

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 02:46:35 GMT

Will-chan: *sighhhs*
Will-chan: *hugs tightly and kisses her cheek* I'll always love you Ruka *smiles then wanders off*
Ruka: * sits down, and thinks.... her forehead in her hands.... no sounds coming from her. *
Will-chan: *holds tightly*
Ruka: Will-chan.. don't tell her..
Will-chan: Don't tell her what?
Ruka: that I'm acting this way.
WIll-chan: *holds and kisses her cheek*
Ruka: Will-chan..... I'm going to have to let her go...
Will-chan: ???
Ruka: You know who.
Will-chan: I know who
Will-chan: but what do you mean let her go?
Ruka: Exactly what it sounds like.
Will-chan: let her go to the point that she is just a friend?
Ruka: Right now.. I can't even handle that. Until I get my guards back... I have to let go.....
Will-chan: *nods*
Ruka: * pulls away... and stands.... pacing silently.. her eyes glossy.. but no sobs, no tears, no sounds*
Will-chan: *sits there watching her*
Will-chan: I'm here to talk Ruka...but I can't do it by myself
Ruka: She's not hurting me.. she's not. * looks at him, smiling an ironic smile her eyes filled with tears un-cried.. * I'm not hurting...
Will-chan: B-fucking-S you aren't hurting.
Ruka: No.. I'm not hurting.. it's not pain.. but something worse.. I can't explain it..
Will-chan: Loss? Lonliness? Fear? ..?
Ruka: Ever had that feeling in your chest? You know.. your heart gets faster.. and it feels like it's going to tear from your chest becuase it's so damn happy ... or touched.. It feels like butterfly wings beating so fast... or an orchestra.... ... a butterfly smphony.. * shakes her head... laughing at herself*
Will-chan: Yea..
Ruka: It's that... except... it's not the good way.. it's like someone stabbing you in the chest... and you're just realizing... that you can feel.. and that it hurts, because.. because it's from someone you least expected it be...
Will-chan: I've felt that to *hugs*
Ruka: * takes a deep shakey breath * I can't tell her that.. it'll just make her worse.
Will-chan: But you can tell me *smiles* you can tell me annnnything
Ruka: And from the sound of it.. one of her biggest problems is.. she knows another teen that is with child..or..that's to my understanding
Will-chan: ??
Ruka: she can't / won't say who... sworn to not telling ... I didn't even ask...
WIll-chan: ah
Ruka: I've got my guesses.. .but.. I don't ask.. and... I'm not going to ... It's none of my biss..
Will-chan: *nods*
Ruka: And.. then Dilly.. damn it.. he sounds just like you did last week
Will-chan: wha?
Ruka: He's all upset cause he wants someone to love...
Ruka: Katlyn is upset about something... I really wasn't paying attention to what..
Will-chan: ...why is it when I start to get happy everyone is screwed over by something..
Ruka: probably Cate
Will-chan: then why I'm upset..everyone's happy?
Will-chan: and I'm not trying to turn this towards me...it's just weird
Will-chan: lol
Ruka: That's what I wondering last week...
Will-chan: *pets his Ruka* Everything shall get better though
Ruka: You know..... I'm so lost in thoughts.. I am even starting to think Matt was right ( Matt D )
Will-chan: how so?
Ruka: A long time ago.. I was dis-traught.. and Matt was the only one around that I was able to go to for consolence... * pffts * ... and he did.. but.. we were talking... and in the talking it came to me letting her go... tottally...
Ruka: for good..
Will-chan: ..don't listen to Matt
Will-chan: I don't care how good his advice seems..
Will-chan: You can't let her go..for good...forever.
Will-chan: I don't think you'd be able to stand it
Ruka: That's just it.. I can...
Will-chan: and I don't think she would either..
Ruka: I know can.. if I keep in my head that it'll help her..
Ruka: I can.
Ruka: .... I just don't want too
Will-chan: *nods*
Ruka: I can't do anything about this.. and that's probably the other thing that hurts so badly.
Will-chan: yea..
Will-chan: *sigh* I wish I knew how to help
Ruka: you can't.
Ruka: It's all right

Finally, updating

venusgirl419@aol.com — Sun, 03 Aug 2003 03:21:41 GMT

Hey... it's me... Ruka, again. Fun stuff, huh?

Does anyone else hate keeping secrets? I do. It's not hard for me to do, I just don't like doing it.
It's amazing sometimes, at what people want to keep from others. Usually the things they need to say.. are the things they don't say. But..then.. I'm guilty of it too..so.. I need to button my lip.

I think I worried Michi and Will-chan both. They went with me to my grandmothers and.. Will-chan said something more about his sexuality .. and I said something like ... " I'd tell you my situation, but.. I can't explain it well enough." I think they had shared words about that, though neither asked about it or said anything. Not amazing.. they usually don't. Unless it's like...life threatening.

I got my brow pierced. yeah.. I know... Michi said yuckie too.. and Will-chan was like " cool" ... even though when I passed out, he laughed at me.

* shrugs* life is life.. and yeah, now I've got her.. she's amazing, as always she has been..
But.. ya know.. I've been saying this all along.. so.. * winks* ... it's about time.

* chuckles*

I love you all..

~ Ten'ou Haruka

Would you choose water over wine? Take the wheel and drive

venusgirl419@aol.com — Sun, 29 Jun 2003 03:50:29 GMT

Since she chose not to make the announcement, I am sure the few of you who read this journal will be happy to know that the two of us are, in a certain gay boy's words, 'finally' together. ^_^;

So...

'Whatever Tommorow Brings, I'll be there...with open arms, and open eyes...'

Hello..

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 25 Jun 2003 05:38:21 GMT

I don't feel like re-typing everything I just wrote, so if you want to know that badly... read my other journal. The username is : xLostxWithoutx

Night All ,

Love,
Ten'ou Haruka

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 18 Jun 2003 05:47:11 GMT

Don't don't know why hurt pain writhe agony know can't can't can't can't hurt pain don't why know why don't know why I don't know why can't hurt can't can't can't don't know can't hurt why

I don't. can't. hurt. know.

Pain pain pain it's the beauty of it I don't know!!!

" You Had Me From Hello"

venusgirl419@aol.com — Tue, 17 Jun 2003 03:49:58 GMT

your a total tomboy, you hate girly stuff but you
cant hide that blush when someone tells you
your pretty

should you be Male, Female, or other(FINISHED!)
brought to you by Quizilla

So these people at Quizilla think they know me? ... * chuckles* ... I guess they do, huh? Oh well.

I talked to my ex, Ben, today. I hated it. But I guess it's best to get these kind of things out of my system. I mean.. I almost cried today, about an hour after we talked. I didn't though. I held back. I thought of Michi too.. and that's one thing that made me want to cry..but I have to be strong. I have no reason to cry. Not now. If something is over, then it is over. No more need be said. ... I think. * whinces*
Why did it still hurt? He talked to me like we had never been anything. And it hurt me. He told me how he was happy with his new girlfriend.. and how he had a job.. and.. and... * sighs* ... Oh well. It wasn't meant to be, huh? glad I know that now. Now, after I got my heart thrown in the air.. to fall down and be... trampled over. * smiles*... I won't be to graphic there... I promise.

"Inside I built a wall
So high around my heart
I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
Bricks of my defenses
Scattered on the ground
And I swore to me
That I wasn't going to love again
The last time
Was the last time
I'd let someone in"

A little sample of a song that reminds me of Dilly... I love you Dilly..

I love you all...

~ Ten'ou Haruka

What is love?

venusgirl419@aol.com — Tue, 10 Jun 2003 14:36:25 GMT

In the event that Michiru has another journal to keep up with, I tend to write in this one more so. I, being Ruka of course.
16 more hours of school and 1 exam left.

How come I have to know things I'm not suposed to? .. How come people think I can handle this tremondous weight on my shoulders? Do I let off some vibe that tells them I can? .. Do I brag about it or something?
Sometimes ignorance is so much more blissful.
Oh well, it's just time to put on a happy face and ignore the rain clouds. ^-^ ... or something like that.. * brow falls inward * ... I wonder how happy people stay happy? .. Is it something in the water ...or are they all on drugs?

~ Ten'ou Haruka

Twenty-Four Hours ....

venusgirl419@aol.com — Mon, 09 Jun 2003 18:00:44 GMT

Looking at the title you should know it't Ruka, seeing as how Michiru's titles always have some deeper meaning. Of course today's entry thing- a -ma - bob has to do with the fact I only have about Twenty four hours left of school, needless to point out Michi is already out of school. ( * grumbles under breath, glancing sideways* )
Talking to Michi and Dilly ( yes, Dillon.. you're now in our livejournal, you lucky thing you ! ) early, early this morning was a break for me. Everything has been so serious and straight out boring. They add a little color to my world. ( Rainbow, and disco light colors! ) Besides the rather large sum of time where I get picked on or made fun of, they can be pretty up lifting. Needless to say, I had a few heart to heart moments last night. Yes, Ruka can be sweet.... IF she HAS to be. Which, by the way, is very rare these days. * thoughtful expression *
Picking on Matt today I can tell he is a little more cheery than used to be. I don't know if that's an image he set for himself, or if that is the way he is when about me. He called me a " silly girl" ... ! I am not a silly girl.. I just like to horse around and have a good time. Is there anything wrong with that?
Where is Will-chan-chan-chan these days? Has anybody seen him? Maybe we should go searching for him. I miss you, where ever you are... COME BACK, NOW! * innocent, quiet smile. *
I love you all...

~ Ten'ou Haruka

What if Tomarrow...what if today...

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2003 16:42:20 GMT

You are Persephone, from "The Matrix."
Tough cookie, you are, yet there are strains of
sadness and desire that lie beneath you- of
course, you wouldn't want anyone to know.
You're too busy putting up a facade.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey everyone. Haruka here... I didn't mind the purple, I actually liked it. I thought it was very...umm... "pretty" ....though I would've prefered something red or maybe... blue! silver would do too!...
I want to... to see you again, everyone.

I want someone to touch my heart, I want someone to be able to get beneath my skin... I want someone to love me, I want someone to let me love them... I want.. too much.

Forever & Always,
Ten'ou Haruka

^^ brighter, brighter

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2003 03:22:08 GMT

I hope you all enjoy the new coloration... :P Ruka complained that the old one was 'too dark'.

The text on the icon read "You'll be in my heart."

~Michiru

Phantasmagoria

venusgirl419@aol.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2003 19:38:09 GMT

Mmmmn...I find it strangely amusing that whilst I am with someone, I am flirted with, continuously...yet, while I am single, there is a lull in that action...a silence, if you will.

I drift.

Love, mmmn...like tea. So subtle, but it can be so complex. So many of our friends claim to be in love. I agree with Haruka...it's being thrown about too much today. Wait until you truly know what love is. Then you'll see. You'll be in love...not fancy.

And as for myself? I, I must be patient. I can wait. I can watch.

I enjoy seeing others happy.

If only I had a child...

(And no, Haruka. No more of that silly woodpecker poem.)

-*purrs*- rainy days are so thought-provoking...

Random Quiz Results

venusgirl419@aol.com — Tue, 20 May 2003 17:02:03 GMT

You are Marlo Manners, the sexiest, most desirable
woman alive. Men would die to be with you, and
die by being with you.

Which Sextette Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

How in the hell did I, Ruka, get this! o.O

You are... "Don't Speak"

What Tragic Kingdom Song Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

This one.. isn't so bad... I think...

You're a lesbian alright!! You love your girls!!
Good for you!

How lesbian are you??
brought to you by Quizilla

..Michi.. did you tamper with my results?...

ahhhh you are the wolf father in the moon, always
smiling benevolently but mischievously, with a
certain wisdom and knowledge in you which you
would rather let one gain for him/herself than
to impart it upon him/her. you are the god of
nature, housing people's animal spirits. the
shaman, the mystic, the wise one

which of my gods and goddesses do you most resemble?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, for one I actually like... some

bit-o-honey

which candy from my "chooey gooey"candy mix bag are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

XD, Michi's ' bit-O-Honey' ....yay!

You are most like Sarah
You are loyal to your friends. Your imagination and
fantasys are what makes you differnt. Your will
to win sometimes can be so strong, that you
come across as cruel.

What Labyrinth Charater are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

Am I really cruel?

You, you are my anthem. Or at least used to be.
I've always been really big on covering up my
sadness, but nowadays, Jaya won't let me do
that.

Which song that makes me sad are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
..Jaya? ... Smart person... or so it seems...

"I will stay with
You tonight
In case this corset
Gets too tight
And I will keep you company
'Cause that's what a sister should be."

Your song is "Sistersong" by Ani
Difranco!

You're a very loyal friend who always has a
shoulder to cry on, or a supportive thing to
say. Truly unselfish, you can be relied on for
just about anything. Just make sure that
others don't take advantage of you.

Wanna do my laundry?

What's Your Song?
brought to you by Quizilla
Me?

Okay, enough is enough.. I won't bore you anymore.. besides, I only have another 25 mins left in class anyway...
* sighs, and curls up on her imaginary cot and holds her teddy bear ( yes, HER teddy bear. Wanna say something? Well don't! .. Hmph! *sticks out tongue* ) and her blankie... closing her eyes, she dreams of days gone by. *

Love... or something like that..

Tenou' Haruka

venusgirl419@aol.com — Tue, 20 May 2003 16:17:41 GMT

No teacher once agin, well.. we have a sub, but that's not much of a teacher. No offense to subs or anything, it's just.. I hate being bored, and with subs that what I am. BORED!
Obviously, it's me - Ruka.
I hate this. I hate missing Michiru and the our day back in middle school. No one is as close to me, now as she was back then. No one. Everyone seems bored with me, or not willing to look beyond my stone covering.
I'm gonna change me. I'm going to... Soon. " I don't when and I don't know how, but someday I'll be part of 'that' world."
* sighs* Well, as I am reforming my life, I hope I don't change too much. I happen to like who I am, in a sense. But, yet in another I hate not having anyone.. anyone close by. Everyone I know is a friend, I have no enemies but still somehow.. I'm alone.
" How Unfair of you. To go off into your own world and leave me here, Alone."
Perhaps that's how I feel. Like everyone has left me alone... but then, that would be my fault. I pushed everyone away, and they only went away because of my wishes. Because they got tired of fighting me. I supose that goes back to the saying " Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it. "

"Iris"

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

TO You Michiru...

Love...

Ruka

I want to lay like this forever

venusgirl419@aol.com — Sun, 11 May 2003 22:30:38 GMT

Mmmn, Michiru here, finally. I know I have been less than prompt about updating this and I apologize. I have a great deal in my life to stress me so...it seems that I am losing a friend because he is treating me terribly...and I don't know if I can take him back when he realizes his mistake. I'm not that much of a push-over. I can demand respect for myself when I want it.

I also have the horrid difficulty of coping with loneliness and depression. He brings out the worst in me...and I miss her.

Haruka has heard this tired tale time and time again, so I will not linger on it.

For my birthday, it turns out that Haruka's gift was 50 dollars. I was, and still am, absolutely speechless. My friends are so good to me...as shown in Haruka, and Will-chan's poem. Maybe one day they will realize that their friendship is plenty enough for me...

With all my love,
Michiru

" i'd give up forever to touch you.."

venusgirl419@aol.com — Fri, 09 May 2003 17:22:55 GMT

" .. Cause I know that you'd feel me somehow. You're the closet to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now... I just want you to know who I am... "

Tonight is Michiru's birthday party, and I have to bring her a gift. I imagine most people have planned something, and have the perfect gift, and such.. but you know me. I'm a last minute person. I imagine she knows that I'll have something for her... Something.
I'm really happy though. She knows I'll be there, and I've done all I could to show up. I really miss her, and it seems I always do. I've changed since we've met, her and I, but I think sometimes I've changed for the better. Sometimes.
Though I haven't found the perfect gift, I've ther perfect song.. she'll see.. I guess.. when it's my turn.. She'll see.. and she'll know what it means.. as will all the others.
That.. in life.. I need nothing else but those about me.. when they are without me.

Love For ever and always...

~ Tenou' Haurka

Tonight you give yourself to me... Forever I am yours

venusgirl419@aol.com — Fri, 02 May 2003 17:00:33 GMT

Well now, they trust high school students to take care and "watch" themselves these days. I'm in Tech Found and we have no teacher. Not that I'm complainning, that would be a little.. well pointless.
I wish I could go home. I don't really feel like playing my sax today. And, if you can't tell, it is Haurka. * sighs* I need... I need someone. My love life has turned for the worset. I don't get to speak to him, and when I do speak with him it is for a mere ... three minutes, if that. The other night, before we hung up with one another..after he said he had to go,he said " hey..." .. and of course I replied.. " Yeah? " ... This.. this made me smile.. " I love you" ... that's what he said. I guess he could tell that I miss him.. and that i miss hearing those words along with others. He makes me laugh when do get to talk, and is sweet and so forth when I need it.
I'm sorry to say it, but I don't know how much I trust him. I know his background.. and how he's treated other girls.. and you know the drill. He says I'm different.. a likely story.. but.. Then.. I feel this way for him, and so forth. I can't see why he would do this to me. He'd obviously not get the thing I am told he wants, seeing as to where he is.. and where I am. I'm told from someone who used to be his friend < someone who has a crush on me > that he's called me things like B*tch, Sl*t , Who*e ... and so forth. I don't know how much I believe them though. They really wish that I'd break up with him, or vise versa.. so that they might have a chance.
I miss Michiru too. I tried talking to her of the night I "held" her. I don't know how to react to that. I think I hope for it to fade away.. like it never happened. I know it won't though. I spoke to Will-chan on the reason why I blame myself and not her. Besides the fact she could do no wrong, I had something of a crush on Michi the year before. And, like now, she was in a long-term relationship with another. With her being in this, I made no advances and kept my secret to myself, best I could - though to some it was obvious. Anyhow, after that year.. and relationship were through, I wasn't sure of myself, nor my feelings. Michi was the first girl... no.. no.. first lady I had fallen for and I just found it hard to believe. The..coming of Kelly to Michi was a blessing to everyone, but almost a rip in my heart. I knew I had no right.. I had told Michi my feelings for her then, but Michi had said, she knew it wasn't meant to be. So I nodded, and dropped the topic. I was happy that Michi had found one for her.. and soon, I found.. well.. the one I have let claim my hand.. smile... and heart.
Then.. it was that night. I cursed myself, while talking to Will about it. I told him, it was my fault because my actions were based on that feeling that I had held for so long. That somewhere, deep inside, I still loved Michi in that way.. And that's where my advancments had been triggered. I told him, I wouldn't have done anything if I didn't still feel for Michi.. and Will came back.. to surprise me with, " Yes, I know.. but, do you think Michiru would, if she didn't?" ... I went silent for a moment.. and then hurriedly added.. my comment about it just being the surroundings.. and the night.. the sounds.. the people.. and so forth.. Will-chan was like.. " Suuure.. whatever Ruka.. keep telling yourself that." ...
I don't think that Michiru has feelings of that kind for me. she declares that she doesn't and I believe her. Though, sometimes she is the only flower I think of.. and the only one I wish to hear from, or see. I know, as she said, it was not meant to be. Maybe.. in some other world... or maybe if we had met at some different time.. it could've been.. but.. not now...not us ... not ever.
Haruka told her Mother that she was bi and some other with held information.. in a letter. The information was asked not to be shared with her father, yet. Mom has not replied in any way.. not to my liking. I mention the letter to her every so often, but she only says that she'll reply when she gets time.. I wonder if that will be before I turn eighteen, or after.
Oh well.. Hopefully, I'll call Ben today, when I get home.. take a nap.... and do something constructive. I've already started writting a story/ book.. and am thinking about restarting my FanFic for Hamena... or maybe just for Michiru, though I'm almost certain she'll make me submit it. Oh well, it won't hurt to be noticed a little bit...
Well, I'm going off to see if I can do something a little more with my.. twenty minutes.
I love you, for ever and a day.

Until...

~ Tenou' Haruka

" ..Somewhere other than the night .."

venusgirl419@aol.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2003 17:22:39 GMT

" ...Somewhere other than the night, she needs to hear ' I love you'. Somewhere other than the night, she needs to know you care.... "

Tis Harulka.. can't stay long for my class is about to end BUT, I just thought about updating, and...here I am. That song, I heard it once, on the radio, and ever since I've loved it. That and " If tomarrow Never Comes" ... both by Garth.
the first time I heard " Somewhere other than the night" .. I cried. I think it had something to do with the timing.. and could probably explain it, if I had more time, but.. I don'.
Farewell, all...

I love you Michi- sama ...

~Tenou Haruka

" Room By Room... I'll wait for you... like a stone... I'll wait for you.. Alone"

venusgirl419@aol.com — Fri, 18 Apr 2003 14:25:02 GMT

Haruka is, finally, back now. It's been a long harsh time without me, hasn't it? You know you missed me.. * smirks* .. As we all know, Haruka got herself, in Michi's little quiz. What she finds quite amusing is, for everyoe, save herself, there is a real life picture. Would anyone like to guess why that is? No! You're wrong! * evil grin * just kidding.. There is an anime picture there, because I, Tenou' Haruka, do NOT take pictures. So HA!
Well.. now that I've updated.. and Michi cannot yell at me, for not doing so, I'll take my leave. Good Bye!

Love... and... stuff...

~ Tenou' Haruka

heehee ^.^

venusgirl419@aol.com — Thu, 03 Apr 2003 15:14:39 GMT

You're Michiru-chan herself!!
Unlike most of your friends, you tend to live in a
fantasy world that keeps you happy in dark
times. You have a fascination with the sea, and
are rather adept at art, writing and drama. You
appreciate beauty in all things, and thus have
the bad habit of collecting and looking into
mirrors constantly. (You vain creature, you.)
You are looking for true love above all things,
and tend to be naive and idealistic, but deep
down, you are elegant, and just want things to
be peaceful.

Which of Miraanokaiousei's friends are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

^^; of course, I expected to get myself...

~Michiru

Never sleep, Never die

venusgirl419@aol.com — Mon, 24 Mar 2003 21:51:32 GMT

Ne, good eve minna-san...c'est Michiru, la belle pucelle ^^. (Mwa.hah. I am so egotistical. I should have been a Leo) Surprisingly (or not, depending on how you know me) I have an incredibly low self esteem. Especially self-image.

Well, let us see. Today was spent rather uneventfully. I stayed up far too late last night waiting for my love to sign on, but alas, she did not. I went to bed, but was too distressed to fall asleep. My mind was churning over a thousand different things, and I grew so hot I had to fetch a bag of ice to cool down my temperature...and finally at around 2:00 ended up crying myself to sleep, due to loneliness, and a feeling of being utterly pathetic.
I awoke at 4, and could not go back to sleep, so today I was tired, and feeling sickly.

I got chastised for my shirt being too low-cut. Those stupid conservatist yuppie larvae don't know a cravate from an ascot, much less a low-cut top when they see one. My top was - fine - thank you. It was a normal, pretty tropical print of pink and yellow-orange jungle flowers, you know, the kind with the built in bra, (though I prefer to wear both) and evidently, they would rather I wear some spare Aeropostale sweater jacket that I had in my locker for cold classes. Ara, maa! Can you beleive the nerve? Insulting MY fashion sense?
I also, for the first time in a few weeks, got to wear high heels again. I've been feeling so frumpy in normal khakis and boring blouses, with blah, blah plain shoes because of my sprained ankle. So, today I wore two inch wicker sandals...huzzah.

Touga and I started to lay out stats for our Utena RPG in which I play Himemiya Anthy, the Rose Bride (Correction, he wrote stats, and I bugged him to change it to my favor- just because I am a manipulative little nereid.) You can check us out at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ReversalRose/

And here is Myself and Mika's Sailor Moon RPG, which Haruka is SUPPOSED to be joining soon...in which my character should be most obvious: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/New_Revelation/

Ne, and in our presentation in Biology today, I had to do all of the talking on a power point that I hadn't ever seen before, due to my hospital absences...because my other teammates were busy argueing. Uh! That irritates me so.

Obviously, the Goddess de la mer is in a less than content mood today.

Haruka is moving on from me, and I suppose I from her. Not in the sense that we are any less close than we have been, but I feel guilty for always being disagreeable when she speaks to me...I have been complaining too much lately. She has her man. And I have...

...Mmmn. Well, I miss the days when we would stay in bed all day in each other's arms, or going to her beck, or Homecoming...most of all, I miss Graves Mountain, and the long, tedious classes spent roleplaying back and forth to keep one another awake. English with Mrs. Card, and Science with the ever-monotonous Mrs. Jenkins...

Mrreow...I suppose I will go paint now to soothe my nerves before I do homework. I apologize for my irritability.

Love always,
Michiru

" ...I lie awake and watch her sleepin' ..."

venusgirl419@aol.com — Mon, 24 Mar 2003 06:05:19 GMT

Yes, Haruka would agree...and does indeed find that satisfying. Of course, I do. I mean, who wouldn't! (( well, besides a gay man..or a STRAIGHT woman - neither of which are any fun! ))
Guess who? Yeah, me again. Anyhow, my first love affair with any woman besides Michiru fell through. I still love her, but now not as intensely as I had.... and I loved that about my love for her. It never weaked, well I guess never was short-lived. As well as Forever..as in "I'll love you this way, forever."
It seems I give up one lover, only to find another to take their place. Though.. is it really to take their place.. or make me feel loved or to have someone to show love too.. I wonder. This new..new person is different than most. Yet, I know I say that about almost all people ... it is true.
" Being able to admit that I love you is scary for a guy who has never known love, or even believed that love even exsisted. But I do.... but I do want you to know that I will love you forever. This forever, the next and all that's to come. I love you..." ~ Ben 'New Love'
Many people would say he's not my type, and I think that they may be right. Perhaps that's why I'm drawn to him, but I do love him. He helps me already, and understands some of the things even I don't. I've known him a year, and it seems that we know so much about one another, when truly I think I've only scratched his surface. His past is one that is scary, and not one that many would trust. I'm giving him this chance... he deserves at least one, right? * looks hopeful*

Then lastly - though never, ever the least - is Michiru. I wonder if I am enough sometimes. She seems so saddend these days. I only wish I could help her, with all her problems.. yet I know I can't. No matter how hard I try... I can't. She needs her own prince... And, it can't be me.. that, she knows....somehow. * stary eyes look to the sky, with the many clouds, feeling the rain all throug her body. * That was not for me to decide anyhow. She knows what she needs/ wants.. I'm satisfied being what I am to her.. whatever that may be. Ah, what love does to people.. bruises and scars.. and.. then wings that soar.. and eyes that sparkle.. * sighs* ... hell and heaven all in the same potion.
Finally, we have this war. I know, I said Michi was last.. but this..this was an after thought. My "loves" brother being in te war, I think very much about it. I pray, I hope, I have faith. I try to comfort and take his mind from his brother. We both know that the odds of every man returning is impossiable.. but then, what are the odds that he won't return? We each silently pray and hope that he makes it home - to stay. I wish every man and woman to return home. Home.. to a warm bed, a safe house, a pair of loving arms, a smiling face, happy family, thankful country, and something to look forward to. We don't need this blood-bath ... nor the loss of lives. To send so many over there to die, to protect us seems to be selfish... maybe we should all go.. You and I, grab a few things, and go. Go to help the many wounded, to fight along side our brothers and sisters.. or go to spread peace.. and bring the war to an end, with tender hands. Oh.. where is the dove this day?

All my love, for ever and a day , to all of you.... ALL of you out there.

~ Ten'ou Haruka

-muffles a giggle-

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2003 00:22:49 GMT

SEX APPEAL

(results contain pictures) What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

^_~ and I'm sure Haruka appreciates that, too.

~Michiru

" If you could only see .."

venusgirl419@aol.com — Wed, 12 Mar 2003 03:26:57 GMT

I asked someone the other day, why they loved me. They gave me a long answer, which is what I wanted. They, knowing that, gave me everything I wanted. I asked another today, the same thing..and they gave me an answer not so long. But, it was an answer all the same. I know that many love me. And I know that I love many ... but heres the catch, why is it the wrong ones love me the right way? * shrugs*
Haurka is back ....for now. * smirks* Michiru has talked me into posting tonight, seeing as I might not be able to for awhile. I may be grounded! WHOOO HOO!?! * sarcasim * I made the phone bill go way to high... but guess what kiddo's? .. Haruka has it almost all paid off. Until next month. After next month, I'm saving some money up..and then.. well..nevermind. * winks mysteriously * You'll find out sooner or later. Most lkely, later.
Michiru, I warn you. The wrong people/ person is getting close to me again.. and this time, I like it. I think, I'm actually helpping them! Wow! ... Well, that's not amazing, huh? I try to help everyone.. except me. Who worries about Ruka...who ever does, shouldn't. She'll be fine.. always has been, always will be... hopefully.Kidding.. come on,you know that.
I'm writing a lot more poetry now a days.. and I enjoy it. Maybe one day I'll get some of them published. Oh, Michiru-chan.. I gave Mrs. Card a poem the other day. We went to pick up my sister early from school and I went to the lady person.. who helps kids with their ...umm.. everyday life problems.. and asked her to give it to her. She said she'd be glad too...and told me to come and visit one day. You and I must do that one day..Just go and visit our old teachersoe day.. I'd really like to see Mrs.Card again.. * smiles* ..

" You don't mend a wilted rose.. Roses grow back, every year. And as that season comes back.. they grow, only moe beatiful than before. "

~ Ten'ou Haruka

Quit Playing games with my heart

venusgirl419@aol.com — Mon, 10 Mar 2003 17:59:17 GMT

-*sighs gently*- Ara, Maa...my mood swings are so distressing. One moment I am flying about happily, like a hummingbird, or a flying fish, and then I am eaten through with bitter loneliness. It's so amazing.

I am lonely. And I am sad. But I am living, and I can laugh.

Does anyone want to tell me how to mend...a wilted rose?

~Michiru